Practicing the language of love all year

And that is best done by learning the “love language” that your partner will best respond to, the one that makes him or her feel truly valued.

“Create a reserve of good loving feelings to bank for a day when there are problems,” said Worrell.

The five love languages, described in a bestselling book of the same name by Dr. Gary Chapman, are: Words of Affirmation; Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.

“We tend to love our partners and other people in the way we enjoy being loved, which is not an effective strategy,” said Worrell.

Mellow said once a couple figures out their respective love languages, they need to remember the “five to one” ratio — there should be five positive communications for every negative.

“If that love tank gets empty, everything is going to make you angry because you are in negative mode,” she said.

According to Mellow, two-thirds of arguments are not resolvable — they are based on value differences — so it is important that couples learn to understand where each of them is coming from.

If you can look beyond the anger, she said, you will find defensiveness coming from some type of emotional fear.

“Anger is usually something else, hurt, embarrassment — something vulnerable,” she said. “Even the worst behavior is usually motivated by some type of fear.”

Dahl said couples who provide a safe environment to allow the underlying fear to be expressed end up building their relationship, instead of destroying trust with harsh criticism and combativeness.

“So often couples try to avoid communication because of hurt feelings but if it is done well, it increases intimacy,” she said.

Clients at Strong Tree receive a business card with “talker” and “listener” goals as defined in the book “Why Don’t We Listen Better?” by Dr. James Dobson.

On the listener side, a partner is reminded to stay calm and not own the problem being expressed by the loved one. The goal is to provide safety, understanding and clarification about what is being said without agreeing, disagreeing, advising or defending.

The talker needs to remember to own the problem as theirs to express without accusing, attacking labeling or judging.

“You need to plan ahead for a conversation about a problem and think about what you want your partner to hear and what you want them to feel,” said Dahl.

“You also need to keep in mind that the person’s not the problem, the problem is the problem.”

She said if someone just needs to vent about an issue, then that should be relayed to the partner, who also needs to be given a heads-up if there is a relationship problem that needs to be discussed.

“Knowing which one you are doing ahead of time can make a real difference,” said Dahl.

If timing isn’t right for a serious conversation, such as the partner has just gotten home from a stressful day at work, hold off until later.

Dahl said stay soft when you approach a complaint issue and let go of nit-picking disapproval.

“If you see the conversation as a gift you are giving someone and the content is wrapped in the presentation, then you are going to think it out and it is likely to be better received,” she said.

If the conversation turns heated and your heart rate, or that of your partner, rises — take a time out and agree to meet again later, said Mellow.

At that time, she said people are flooded with adrenaline and other stress-related hormones that put them in “fight or flight” mode, which is a defensive posture.

“When fear becomes so prevalent and intense, you are no longer willing to give the gift of yourself anymore,” said Dahl.

“Take a break and remind yourself that you chose that other person and you are in the relationship together,” Mellow said.

Dahl said people need to work out when they will come back together in another attempt to resolve an issue.

Worrell said people can train themselves to pay attention to their anger and anxiety levels, such as a clenched jaw, that will allow them to stop an unproductive argument.

“It takes a lot of practice to see the red flags and control what you do with them,” she said.

Stay in the present when arguing, say the counselors, and do not raise issues of other times you were hurt by your partner’s behavior, or resort to personality digs.

Mellow said because 65 percent of communication is non-verbal, people also need to pay attention to what their body language is saying during a discussion.

She said fighting fair shows respect for the other person and lets them know that you also want to hear where they are coming from.

“You don’t have to agree, you just have to listen and validate,” she said.

If a couple’s interactions routinely become combative, Dahl said honesty will cease because no one will be willing to be vulnerable.

“You are basically inviting them to lie to you because they are going to be afraid to tell you things,” she said.

Worrell said relationships are “learn as you go” and function best when both parties feel that they are a valuable and contributing member of the relationship.

“You can be exact opposites but, if you stop to understand each other, you can have a relationship that is rewarding,” she said.

The three counselors said the relationship tips they shared with a reporter will not work when there is abuse, drug and/or alcohol dependency, an affair, or other issues that cause severe damage and require special treatment.