Keeping Our Community Whole, part 1: Conflict ≠ Contempt: How towns stay democratic under strain

I reject the cruelty, vulgarity, divisiveness, and contempt modeled by our president. He openly declared that he hates his adversaries, has glorified greed, mocked the vulnerable, and normalized the language of domination and humiliation. His rhetoric has grown more violent, and the insults seep into our civic life. Arrogance, dishonesty, and a taste for cruelty are not leadership qualities. They are warning signs.

Knowing this, some readers might already place me into certain boxes. Hear me out. I am not here to shame or lecture. I care deeply about this place and the people in it, including those who disagree with me. I believe we can talk about hard things without tearing each other apart.

I am an athlete. You will find me running or riding my bike out on the roads in the Gorge. A “We are immigrants” sign makes my heart warm. A different sign might make me tense up. I catch myself making snap judgments, only to have someone step outside and greet me kindly. It is a reminder. What happens when disagreement turns into contempt?

Here is the truth: conflict is not the problem. In a democracy, conflict is natural and even healthy. It brings out different needs and ideas. Contempt is the problem. Contempt starts when we stop seeing each other as neighbors and start seeing each other as enemies. That is when disagreement slides into dehumanization. Contempt corrodes trust. And trust is what lets a community solve problems together.

That contempt gets modeled from the top, but it does not stay there. Even if you avoid social media, you have probably noticed ugly, hateful exchanges between people who live right here. National rhetoric rewards division and feeds a fear that our way of life is under attack. It is easy to import that fear into our local lives. When we do, we lose something precious: the ability to sit across from each other and fix things.

So how do we disagree without destroying relationships? Try this checklist at your next meeting or even your next family dinner:

• Pause before posting or speaking: “Will this build understanding or deepen contempt?”

• Separate people from problems: criticize ideas, not identities.

• Listen for values: “What is at stake for you?”

• Trade certainty for curiosity: “Tell me more about why this matters to you.”

• Set boundaries: no threats, no slurs, no intimidation. Ever.

Cut this out. Put it on the fridge. Bring it to your next conversation.

We are not starting from scratch. Six Rivers Dispute Resolution Center has spent decades helping neighbors work through tough issues. Our civic groups help too. Take the Hood River Rotary Club. Over the years, I have seen them engage in activities that align with one of Rotary International’s area focus, namely peace, conflict prevention, and conflict resolution. Faith communities play a role as well. Riverside Community Church’s “We Are Immigrants – Somos Inmigrantes” campaign reminds us that, with the exception of Native Americans, we are all immigrants and should defend the dignity, safety, and well-being of our hardworking neighbors. That is how you address real differences without contempt but with an invitation to neighbors to navigate tough conversations. Other civic groups, faith communities, and even sports teams can model these norms: invite people in, talk it through, and protect each other’s dignity.

If we can argue without contempt, we can preserve what matters most: a community where everyone belongs, even when we disagree. Strong communities create strong societies.

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Patrick T. Hiller, Ph.D., calls Hood River home. He’s a husband, father, endurance athlete, neighbor, and longtime peace educator who believes in the power of community to bridge divides. As Executive Director of the War Prevention Initiative of the Jubitz Family Foundation, Hiller’s work focuses on advocating for nonviolent approaches to all forms of conflict.