Ask Dr. K: Handling grief differs from person to person

Grief is not a mountain to be climbed and then descended with a map in hand. It differs greatly from one person to another, and from one culture to the next. In America, there can be pressure, often from well-meaning family and friends, to attain “closure” by the time a year has passed. The truth, though, is that grief doesn’t neatly conclude at the one-year mark.

The more important someone was to your life, the more opportunities there are for happy and sad reminders that underscore your loss. The other evening, for example, my wife had placed a glass of wine near the edge of the dinner table. When I saw it, I instinctively moved it away from the edge.

Then I realized that my father was very compulsive about this. When my sister and I were young, whenever we had placed a glass of liquid near the edge of the table, he’d move it. He explained that it could easily have been knocked to the floor, and the consequences of that. I realized that I was still figuratively hearing my father’s voice, 51 years later.

Feelings of sadness, abandonment, loss and even anger are especially likely around birthdays, weddings, the anniversary of the death, and holidays or other occasions you might have shared. A familiar scent, song or likeness can also trigger feelings of grief. All of this is entirely normal.

So, depending on the strength of the bond that was broken, grief can be lifelong. Usually, though, grief softens and changes over time.

The raw, all-consuming shock of early grief will eventually begin to lessen. Gradually, at your own pace, you will find yourself adjusting to your loss and slipping back into the routines of daily life.

Dr. Komaroff is a physician and professor at Harvard Medical School. To send questions, go to AskDoctorK.com, or write: Ask Doctor K, 10 Shattuck St., Second Floor, Boston, MA 02115.