The holidays are so hard for those who have lost a loved one. Whether it was one week ago or five decades ago, the brightness of the season, the emphasis on joy and family, can tap the vein of grief that we are feeling, making us teary, sad, low in energy, and finding it hard to get through.
It can be hard to be joyful at Christmas when our hearts are full of grief. CS Lewis, author (The Chronicles of Narnia, for example), wrote a beautiful book after his wife died of cancer. Called “A Grief Observed,” he talks about how grief informs and fills his days. It can be a difficult book at times because it stirs ones’ own grief. And yet … in reading how another found his way through, lived with his grief, and was able to continue to live deeply and fully, it inspires us to do the same.
Someone once said that the other side of grief is joy. At first, that doesn’t sound quite right. But isn’t it the joy of being with the other that we miss? Isn’t it the feeling of lightness and expansiveness that comes with joy something that we crave? And, at Christmas and the winter holidays, we want to move through the darkness — grief — into the light — joy.
So how do we move through? We move through by living our day, crying our tears, making our attempts to connect, to heal, to find meaning and purpose and, yes, joy. Even when it seems harder, in the midst of winter, amid the frenetic holiday activity, we can find a little still point, remember our loved one, cry, and remember, and feel a piece of joy within that at least we did love them, and they loved us — and, even though they are not physically here, we love them still.
There’s a beautiful, little known Christmas song about grief and joy. It’s called, “There’s Still My Joy.” Part of the lyrics are as follows:
I brought my tree down to the shore
The garland and the silver star
To find my peace and grieve no more
To heal this place inside my heart
On every branch I laid some bread
And hungry birds filled up the sky
They rang like bells around my head
They sang my spirit back to life
One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
Through all my tears, for what I’ve lost
There’s still my joy
There’s still my joy for Christmas Day.
(written by Melissa Manchester)
Traditions — trees and garlands and stars. Nature — birds, the shore. Sustenance — bread for the body, song for the spirit. Faith — what pulls many through, helps people find grace, and through grace, joy — and through joy, some little pieces of healing of grief. It is not one thing that helps us get through grief. It will not be one day, or year. But every day, yes, even through the Christmas season, we can still find a way to find moments of joy — joy that eventually will help us heal through our grief.
So this holiday season, and into the new year, may each of us find ways to find those moments of joy, cherishing them through our grief, and know that we grieve so deeply because we loved so dearly.
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