What I know about the mindset of one who would betray Jesus would fit in a nutshell, and still leave plenty of room for the nut. But allow me to provide, for your consideration, one possible course that may have led Judas to act how he did. This is in no way intended to excuse his actions. Please understand this comes from my study of what the Bible says paired with my own wild imagination. Consider it a writing exercise, and nothing more.
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“My name is not important, you will not be naming any of your children after me. I first met Jesus when he and the eleven apostles came to my home town of Kerioth, in the southern region of Judea. I had felt unwanted by those who should have loved me and rejected so many times in my life up to this point that I was taken aback when this gentle Galilean spoke to me as someone of importance. He wanted me to go with Him. So I did.
It was not until we ventured back to Galilee that I truly understood what He was all about. I listened, I learned, and I came to earnestly seek the things He spoke about. I had heard stories of men who tried to lead a rebellion, and how swiftly those were put down. But the messaging of this Jesus was different.
I made the connection, before many others did, as a follower of John, the one crying in the wilderness, who had been baptizing and calling for repentance. I was there when John, His cousin, baptized Jesus in the river Jordan. I saw the lightning in the sky and heard the voice of thunder, confirming what had been spoken of Him, “Behold my son, in whom I am well pleased.”
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The Son of God. And I would get to walk with Him side by side, and sit at His feet. Or so I thought. I was never able to breech His inner circle, there were other apostles with Him seemingly every time I tried. They were pressed in against Him, ever eager to hear the next words He spoke. I do not blame them, I would have done the same given the opportunity.
Out of the twelve of us, His apostles, I was clearly different. The other eleven were each one born and raised in Galilee, and I, being from Judea, was constantly reminded of that fact. My speech and mannerisms differed from theirs, and I was given a second name, Iscariot, another reminder of my upbringing in Kerioth.
•••
There was a time while at the Temple to worship, that Jesus called attention to an offering given by a widow, in which she gave two small coins while others gave much greater sums. I know He was trying to teach us, His apostles, a lesson on sacrifice, but He seemed as though He looked directly at me while speaking of her great faith.
I felt the sting of that, as though I, alone, was being singled out. As though He knew I had taken money from the purse that I was charged with caring for. I looked down at my hands at that moment, and saw that both fists were clenched, and I realized a closed hand can receive nothing.
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And soon after there was another incident. We were at a dinner at the home of Simon of Bethany. A woman there took a jar of expensive perfume that was gifted to us, broke the seal and poured it out to wash the feet of Jesus. I was appalled.
As keeper of the purse, I felt it was my duty to point out what a waste that was. I spoke out, with indignation, but no other in the room would echo my concerns.
Jesus bade me to let the matter rest, and allowed this woman to wash His feet with her hair, and the precious spikenard was lost. I felt the fool and took retreat in a corner of the room. We were in the home of this man Simon, a known leper, yet I was the one who felt unclean.
The irony was not lost on me.
•••
I lost more than an argument that day. I felt as though a part of me poured out onto the ground like the perfume. I began to lose hold of what is real, and felt something else take its place. I felt anger welling up inside me, an anger that would have no release, for I had no place to turn.
Alone again, even tho’ a member of the twelve. Alone and angry, a dangerous combination.
•••
A few days later, we went to the Temple in Jerusalem to worship and prepare for the Passover. Jesus had only come into the outer court when He saw the buyers and sellers. He became enraged, and drove them out, along with their animals meant for sacrifice. He overturned the tables of the money changers. I realized much later that this was not about money, but at the time, I saw it as just that. I saw it all through the lens of my own understanding of money, and I was angered by it.
•••
A little bit later, I was there at the Feast of the Passover, but my mind was elsewhere. I was immediately pulled in to the conversation when I heard Jesus speak these words:
“One of you will betray me.”
One of the others seated at the table asked who it would be. We all looked around the table to see if there was a change in expression on anyone’s face. I held my countenance, as did the others. Then He spoke again:
“The one who I shall give this bread to is my betrayer.”
Jesus then extended his hand toward me. Believe me, I was as shocked as anyone at the table.
•••
The deceiver, the stealer of men’s souls, however, was not surprised. Satan entered into me through a door that my misplaced anger had allowed to open. I arose and left the room, my mind no longer under my control.
My next actions were all ascribed to me, tho’ I felt them done by another. The thirty pieces of silver, the betrayal with a kiss, all of it. I received the blame, and rightly so, as I can deny none of it.
When I heard of Jesus’ death, I could no longer stand to live with my actions. I took the cowards way out.”
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