Letter to the editor: Those annoying calls

I decided to play a game with the pests, and lately I have had fewer calls.

When the phone rings and it is a nuisance call, here is what to do (Be sure the call is not a friend or anyone important. Be real sure):

Let the phone ring twice — answer “Hello” and when you hear a weak voice who pronounces your name wrong — ready, get set, go...

Ask “How may I direct your call?” Then, “If you would like the lady press “l,” the man press “m,” the daughter press “d,” the son press “s,” the dog — awww...

Then say, “If this is a business call and you have called during business hours, I am either on another line, in another country or away from the phone forever. However, if you like to leave a number, your call will be answered in the order it was received, which will be no longer than seven to nine weeks. However, I have short-term memory so you will probably never hear from me again — ever!

“If this is an emergency, spray paint yourself any color, run outside yelling and you will be handled in a proper and efficient manner.

“If you would like to contact me on my website, type in “www.ihatenuisancecalls.com then go to the help menu, press the delete button twice and you will be trashed and put into the recycle bin until I burn you on a CD or burn up my computer.

“For all other calls, stomp on your phone, throw it out the window and run over it with the lawnmower — twice — and it will be a legend in due time.

“Sorry for the inconvenience, I do appreciate your calls if you promise never to make any more. Please stay on the phone for a brief four-hour survey — your input is important to me. Have a nice day!”

Caroline Homer

The Dalles