February is ‘Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention’ month

Teens don’t talk about “dating” much anymore, yet more than half have sexual activity outside of a relationship, and it can start early. More than one third of 11- and 12 year-olds say they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and those who engage in early sexual activity are more likely to experience abuse.

Abuse is not only physical. The National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence pinpoints eight identifiers of teen violence:

1. Emotional abuse may look like mind games — using anger as a bluff to get their way, name calling and making false accusations, or putting the victim down and humiliating them, making them feel bad about themselves or feel guilty for things they didn’t say or do.

2. Using social status, which may look like the victim being treated like a servant, and the abuser acting like the “boss” and making all the decisions and being the one to define gender roles.

3. Using intimidation by making someone afraid just by their facial expressions and actions, smashing and breaking things, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

4. Minimizing the abuse by not taking concerns about it seriously or denying the abuse ever happened, or blaming the other person by shifting responsibility by saying the other person caused it

5. Threating to do something to hurt the victim, threatening suicide, or threatening to report the victim to the police, making the victim do illegal things.

6. Using sexual coercion by manipulating or making threats to get sex, getting her pregnant, threatening to take the children away, or getting someone drunk or drugged to get sex.

7. Isolation — by limiting or forcing exclusion from regular social activities, controlling who the victim contacts, controls what they read, using jealousy to justify actions

8. Using peer pressure by threatening to expose someone’s weakness or spread rumors, telling malicious lies about an individual to their peer group.

Whereas, in positive and healthy relationships:

You and your partner can trust each other.

You and your partner like each other for who you are.

You have a friendship and a physical attraction.

You treat each other the way you want to be treated and accept each other’s interests and opinions (you can agree to disagree).

You feel safe with each other, not only physically but also in your conversations.

You like each other’s friends and they are inclusive of your partner. You encourage friendships with others, apart from mutual friends.

You encourage each other’s activities and don’t feel threatened by time spent apart.

You can make decisions together.

You don’t have to protect your partner’s reputation or cover for each other’s mistakes.

There is a special hotline devoted to supporting teens called Love is Respect. You or your teen can reach out by calling 1-866-331-9474, or by texting LOVEIS to 22522, or chatting online at loveisrespect.org.

Resources, such as this, can help a concerned friend or parent develop three strategies to support someone experiencing an abusive dating relationship:

Question: “Do you have concerns about your relationship?”

Listen: Focus on their story, not your experiences. Ask how you can help.

Stay Connected: Be available and support them.

Other helpful resources include:

A guide for friends and family with specific information on supporting teens can be downloaded at wscadv.org/resources/friends-family-guide.

And no matter what month it is, it’s always a good idea to chat about love. Find more tools helpful Conversation Cards at wscadv.org/resources/love-like-this.

The hardest conversation to have is talking to someone about their abusive behavior. Simply saying, “Hey, that’s not cool,” or “I don’t like how you are treating them,” acknowledges that what you’re seeing in someone’s relationship is not okay, or is abusive. This can be an incredibly powerful action. It may be that the abusive person doesn’t realize what they are doing or how it looks to others. There is help for them too. But, remember, never ever intervene if it is going to put you at risk.

You don’t have to be a victim to call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1−800−799−7233.

Local help is available by phone at Programs for Peaceful Living in the Goldendale office at (509) 773-6100 or Bingen office at (509) 493-2662. Office hours are 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Thursday, Friday’s by appointment. If you are in crisis, call the toll free 24/7 crisis line at 844-493-1709. All services are free and confidential.

Programs for Peaceful Living is a part of Washington Gorge Action Programs.

To show your awareness and support during Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, please wear orange on Fridays.

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