Bob Noonan, Bill Noonan and Bill’s wife Lori Russell at Bob’s 90th birthday party.
Contributed photo
My father turned 90 this year. It hasn’t been easy getting there. Recently he decided impulsively to spray the weeds. Within seconds, my brother heard a yell for help. Outside he found two neighbors barely holding my father up while he tried to keep spraying. The neighbors screamed, “What are you thinking, letting him live alone?”
My family has had to thread the needle between his safety and his wish to be independent — a predicament many families encounter when caring for an elderly parent. It requires weighing the parent’s wishes with the hard reality of finances and sustainable care.
After living in his home for 60 years, my father can no longer manage alone. But 24/7 care is not affordable for the long term, nor can any of his children take care of him full time. As with any predicament, there is no easy solution. But I can offer four guardrails which may prevent a major wreck:
1. Clarity on roles and decision making. Living far away, I always deferred decisions to my brothers who lived nearby. But as our father’s health worsened, clearly I, as the oldest, had to take a greater leadership role and coordinate a plan. First, I got the required recommended legal documents, i.e., power of attorney and medical power of attorney.
While these cover some big issues, they don’t help enough with decision-making about type and quality of care. We five siblings have noble intentions, but we’ve sometimes differed on the details. We’d hash out a plan together, but days later, one or more of us would go rogue and do things differently. The second guardrail can help.
2. Honest conversations are difficult when emotions and familial history are involved, but they’re vital. I have to monitor my triggers, find appropriate ways to vent frustration and exercise empathy for all when there’s conflict.
The most challenging conversations have been with my father himself, compounded by his cognitive decline. Still, it’s an essential element. Example: We sat down to discuss a plan:
Dad: I’m doing just fine. I can take care of myself. We need to see how it goes, one day at a time.
Me: It’s important for me to know what you want. The next time you have a minor stroke or fall, you might wake up in a place that you didn’t want to be in, like a nursing home or assisted living facility.
Dad: I don’t want that. I’ll pay for 24/7 care here. I want to stay at home.
Because of this conversation, at least I’m absolutely clear on what my father wants. I’ll use that knowledge when it comes time for difficult decisions.
3. Stay agile. I recall boxer Mike Tyson saying, “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” Our plans get punched in the face a lot. For instance, for a while there were “Food Wars” over what he should eat. After multiple food plans were abandoned, we had another direct conversation:
Dad: I don’t want to be told what to eat.
Me: Okay, but sugary or salty foods will worsen your blood pressure and diabetes and eventually shorten your life.
Dad: (shrugging) That’s okay.
Me: So, if you die with French Fries in your mouth, you will die a happy man.
Dad: (smiling) Yes.
Since then, we let him eat whatever he wants. All my siblings are on board with the plan (at least until it changes again).
4. Communicating effectively. Texting or emailing a group is a good way to broadcast an update or share information simultaneously with everyone. But discussing more complicated issues, arriving at a consensus or making decisions requires real time interactions, either together in person or on cyberspace platforms like Zoom. Even then, navigating the differing views and staying focused is a challenge. If possible, hire a facilitator or social worker. A third party will help keep everyone on track and stay above the emotional fray.
Summing up: The predicament our elderly parents and families find themselves in can’t be fixed once and for all. It’s something that needs to be managed, always toggling between the parent’s wishes and realities about what’s feasible. These four guardrails will help navigate the well-intended and often conflicting relationships of those who care for an aging parent.
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