By Tyler Beane
My name is Tyler Beane. I am an ELCA pastor at Zion Lutheran Church in The Dalles, Oregon, and I am an affirmation addict.
I know it may be uncomfortable for you to read those words— pastor and addict— in the same sentence. I do not use the word lightly.
I’m wondering: do you experience this illness?
As an affirmation addict, I try to please others by being whoever I think others want me to be. If I play the role well, I’m unconsciously pleading: ‘Show me you like me. Tell me you like me.’
It’s a twisted transaction: I be who you want me to be and then YOU tell me you like me.
Having lived this way for many years, I sadly admit: my brain’s now wired that way. Affirmation is like a drug for people with low self-esteem. Not healthy.
This played out in the first nine months of my time here in The Dalles: trying to be a hundred different people week in/week out — not only for the people in my church, but for each new person I met.
By the end of September, I was close to breaking down.
Then something SNAPPED in me. I woke up in the middle of the night and knew something had changed. I had to be me. I could be no other. I wrote about a hurtful experience I’d had in the past in a letter to the Chronicle that began, "Dear person who has been hurt by the church."
It felt good to be me in writing…
I realized soon after that I needed to be me in “real life” too!
Wouldn't it be even more freeing to be me in person with other people? What a concept! To be me with my church? What a concept!
I threw away my carefully-managed, people-pleasing, humorous hook/thesis/poignant example/1500 word sermon I'd written for Sunday worship and went in with nothing in my hands. No notes. Nothing to hide. I was going to be me in church.
I was scared. I was sweating. I awkwardly preached, “I need to be me or I won’t survive in this work.” I dreaded disaster.
That’s the lack of self-esteem/affirmation addiction brain cycle working. It kept me for a long time in a place of blind mistrust of God and others.
What happened after, you’re wondering?
Transcendent grace in the form of hugs and honest conversation.
We all need and desire love. We all need and desire intimacy. But we will not be able to receive either until we learn to love and be intimate with ourselves.
This is called emotional hygiene.
Jesus says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Sometimes we forget to do the latter.
Discussing how to practice emotional hygiene is part of a broader conversation we need to be having in our culture about mental illness. We've been taught to brush our teeth twice a day but we don’t talk about emotional hygiene.
Mental illness is misunderstood and not talked about. When we DO talk about it, mental illness is often the "cause," the "explanation," the sigh of relief to explain why catastrophes like the shooting in Roseburg happen.
'Well, it was a crazy person. And I'm not crazy. So life's OK.'
No, it's NOT OK.
This deep-seated denial is one reason why our communities are filled with emotionally unhealthy people functioning at a high level on the outside but hiding under the bed with a comforter wrapped around them on the inside. There's such a stigma about mental illness around our dinner tables, in the media, and yes, in our churches, that those who are ill are thinking things like:
'I'm not going to seek help because then I would have to admit to myself and others that I need help.'
Have you ever said or thought this to yourself?
How's that working for ya?
In trying to learn to love myself, I find that I am not alone. There are so many people out there on the edge of breakdown, barely holding it together, or even just simply not thriving in their work lives, their family lives, their church lives.
There are resources out there. For example, go check out the November 6th TED radio hour podcast called "Headspace," which discusses these issues.
Come to our Sanctuary Community Core meeting where local social service workers (like those at Haven and DHS) gather to talk about our personal traumas and caring for others who have experienced trauma. We will be talking about non-violent communication Wednesday, December 16th at noon downstairs at Zion.
Go to therapy. Don't just read books on therapy, GO TO THERAPY! Tell your family, your coworkers, and your boss that you’re going to therapy! You'll learn the language you need to be freed from the shackles of your sickness! You'll empower others if you do.
It will be so good!
Be a part of the change we need to make to be emotionally healthy and thank you Jesus, grace will be given you!
You might even find that you have some for yourself.
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