Round Table: Hand me down those comet harpoons!

Obstacle courses and boot camps? I wouldn’t be able to pass the test-osterone. I think less-tosterone would do us all some good. (Excuse me: yes, I will have the English muffin with that quiche.)

But a news item this week spoke to the brawny side of me. When the European space agency landed a small computer, aka Philea, on a speeding comet, the cool factor could not be denied. (Almost as cool as the metallic paint job you wanted for the jogging stroller, right?)

But when it comes to the totally awesome comet hookup, the coolness of that aeronautic feat was exemplified by just one part of it: how they attach the device to the side of the dusty, gaseous surface of the 45,000-mph target?

Comet harpoons.

It’s way cool just to consider: comet harpoons. Say it aloud, Jeff Gordon and Phil Robertson: “comet harpoons.” Talk about a skyhook! George Lucas never even thought of that. Heck, not even FLASH Gordon got to use comet harpoons!

I try to picture it and can’t. It’s that awesome.

(And, with a tip of the hat to Dave Barry, it would also be a really great band name.)

And I know why it was done — the stellar stock car drivers who engineered the Philea’s hitchhike found a really worthwhile purpose for it — did prehistoric flying rocks deliver the first water to earth? I’d want to know that. But I bet the plan and purpose came after the name.

One dull day, a science guy looks up from his sketch pad and thinks, “What can we do to use ‘comet harpoons?’”

Kind of like when the brains behind the movie “Action Jackson” said, “Coolest title ever — now let’s think of a script!”

It might have happened this way:

SCENE: A bar in France, but over beers, not aperitifs:

Science guy one: “Our experiments a borrring! What else can we do?”

Science guy two: “Hey guys, I got it.” (Holds up his sketch). “Comet harpoons!”

Science guy three: “Oh, man, that rocks! How can we make that HAPPEN?”

Science guy two: “Not sure, but don’t make the space rocks pun again, okay?”

Science guy one: “This talk makes me thirsty; do you suppose there’s water on comets?”

Science guy two gets up to leave and says, “For sure you guys are buying!” And he flashes the doodle on his napkin: “Comet harpoons.“ (Only really smart science guys get to flash their doodles.)

None of this is meant to be disrespectful of scientists, who don’t sit just around all the time trying to think up cool names for their projects. Just all day Monday through Wednesday. Then they invent comet harpoons and stuff. But I did scour the IntraWeb for a few other failed projects that, unlike “comet harpoons” never got off the ground:

“Lunar dowsing rods”

“Pluto pliers”

“Asteroid arrows“

“Javelins of Jupiter!”

“Black hole bungy cords”

“Quark files” (already taken)

“Sunspot headlights“

Tough to get grants for most of them, but they could be cool band names.

And if they do figure out if there’s water on a comet somewhere, that would lead to the next coolest thing: “outer space slip-and-slide”! Bliss at 45,000 miles an hour.