For the Saturday, May 16 cold open, Trump (James Austin Johnson), fresh off his trip to China to meet with President Xi Jinping, showed Vice President JD Vance (Jeremy Culhane) the souvenirs he brought back. They included massively swollen legs from traveling abroad as a 79-year-old, a Chinese finger trap from Xi (Trump gave him Taiwan in exchange), and a gold bar from Switzerland as a “straight-up bribe.” As the POTUS rested his head on the gold bar, using it as a pillow to “sleep the sweet sleep of an addled jet-lagged mind” during one of his “patented mid-work naps.”
That’s when Ferrell, as the ghost of Epstein — who died by suicide in prison in 2019, while awaiting trial for federal child sex trafficking charges — started rattling chains and yelling Trump’s name.
“Don’t worry, Donald, it’s me, your best friend, Jeffrey Epstein,” he exclaimed.
To that, Trump pointed out, “Jeffrey? But I thought you were dead.”
“I am, remember? I killed myself, wink!” the ghost of Epstein said.
The POTUS then asked him how heaven was, to which Epstein answered, “It’s really, really hot. But you know me, I keep busy. Mahjong every Wednesday with Stalin and John Wayne Gacy… Oh, I just wrote for the Kevin Hart roast. Had some fun zingers in there.”
In turn, Trump updated Epstein on big events in his life, including the announcement of thePatriot Games, during which “high school athletes come from all over the country.” Epstein declared, “Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!” However, as Trump went for a high-five, Epstein joked, “You know what, this time, I’m gonna leave you hanging.”
After Epstein said that he and Trump “had some good times together” and “should have taken more pictures,” the POTUS replied, “No, it’s really bad that we took any.”
Epstein then offered to show Trump visions of six months in the future, including Kristi Noem (Ashley Padilla) selling vacuum cleaners on TV after being fired as the Secretary of Homeland Security. Meanwhile, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost) prepared a giant beer bong with FBI President Kash Patel (Aziz Ansari) on their new podcast. Patel also promoted his new cologne, “Incompetence for Men,” as Hegseth revealed the “first-ever hard water.”
Trump pointed out, “Well, if Pete’s podcasting, I guess that means the war in Iran is over.” To that, Epstein quipped, “Yep, we came in second.”
Epstein continued, “But Donny, just remember, no matter how many wars you start, or how bad you tank the economy as a distraction, people will always associate you with me. And that, my dear, close friend, is a beautiful thing.”
To end the cold open, Ferrell started singing “Just the Two of Us,” as Trump joined in when the chorus hit.
Saturday Night Live, streaming on Peacock, Sling TV, and the NBC app
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